Laugh track

Horse racing wouldn't make the best topic for a variety show because of the insider knowledge often required to understand what's going on.

Oh sure, there'd be opportunities for the stereotypical glue jokes as well as for poking fun at jockeys' diminutive stature, but it's all been done and usually not very well (everyone assumes I love The Simpsons episode "Saddlesore Galactica," but I find the humor trite and cliche).

I'm no screenwriter (some might question the need for the word "screen" to precede "writer," but that's a topic for another day), but I do have an idea for a variety show-type skit involving handicapping a race that makes me LOL at least.

First, a hat tip to David Grening's National Museum of Racing Hall of Fame Stakes preview for giving me the idea.

Four horse players are standing around a TV at an OTB discussing the merits of the upcoming feature, a 1 1/16-mile stakes for three-year-olds on the turf.

#1: "Who do you guys like?"
#2: "I don't know. I could make a case for any horse."
#3: "It's a tough race."
#4: "Well, you can't bet the favorite."
#1: "Well, I need to bet someone."
#2: "Speed has been playing well on the turf."
#3: "Yeah, but there's a lot of speed."
#4: "There's a lot of closers, too."
#1: "Maybe I'll just pass on the race."
#2: "When in doubt, sit it out."
#3: "No, no! Have a hunch, bet a bunch!"
#4: "Yeah, there's gotta be some angle in here."
#1: "Well, it's a turf race at Saratoga. Maybe I'll just bet Bill Mott."
#2: "There you go. When in doubt, work it out."
#3: "Mott, huh? He's having a good meet."
#4: "Yeah, but guys, there are two Mott horses in this race."

At this point a wide angle shot show all four guys. #2 faints while a wet spot forms around #3's crotch as he dances around frantically doing the "I'm peeing my pants" dance.

Then we begin a slow zoom in on #1. First his jaw drops to the floor then his whole body drops to the floor. He begins circling the floor in a fetal position like a dog chasing his tail. He's gone dilarious, and he's babbling "woob woob woob woob woob" as he begins his descent into total insanity.

As we fade back out, #4 goes to place a bet.